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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
9:41 pm - Demo photos (Auditor's day)
Demo photos are now up on the Fotopic gallery here!

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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
2:09 pm - Auditor's Day, 17th September 2005
Your friendly local rogue thetan has been most remiss (and quiet!) over the lack of reports for quite some time; the denizens of ARSCC UK [wdne] have been sequestered deep within the bowels of Xenu's Secret Lair - with forays out to conduct Sekrit meetings with allies and cohorts. (We can neither confirm nor deny that members of ARSCC have been seen in the company of a certain Invisible Pink unicorn, but rumours of an alliance with the Flying Spaghetti monster are entirely unfounded. We think. Though with many of our members being also members and ministers in the Church of the Sub-Genius, one can never tell.)

Anyway, on a gloriously sunny Autumn afternoon in September the faithful troops gathered once more at Xenu's Secret Lair to launch another entheta sortie against the opposition. The occasion: Auditor's Day, an annual Scientology event, held this year on the 17th September. We thought we'd pop along to help the Scientologists celebrate, in our own inimitable entirely imitable fashion! Our Glorious Leader Xenu did not join us as he was having a little private clambake to celebrate in his own small way.

Your intrepid reporter started by photographing the demonstration. This one was remarkably different to the last two demos by virtue of the lack of a police presence. This seemed to enturbulate the clams quite a bit.

The only leaflets we had were the "Thriving Cult of Greed and Power" ones, with text taken from the Times article of the same name which the Scientologists contended originally in court on publication - and lost. The running patter on the Xenu boom box about El Ron writing the OT levels on "pinks and greys" (amphetamines) and David Miscavige needing a few more bob to water his private golf course went down well though.

After a while, the clams decided that they'd get their own photographer out - not the usual sour-faced OSA woman with her little shiny Canon digital, but a large man with a proper SLR. So I duly photographed him. We seemed to have some new staffers out front this time, too; an older fellow with a jocular manner was being very enthusiastic about pouncing on people (who inevitably would swerve away from him, right towards our own friendly Antipodean Blond who presented them with one of our own leaflets with a smile).

There was a photo-op for yours truly, posing in front of the Scientology sign with a can of Pret-a-Manger "Liquid Psychiatry" in one hand and a strip of lithium tablets in the other. The ThinkGeek "I'm Blogging This" t-shirt went down a storm too. (Next demo the props will be a copy of the DSM-IV-TR and my "I Read Your Email" t-shirt.)

One of our new demonstrators, a chap from a.r.s., popped across the road at one point to be chased by a girl from the Org who was shortly doing much better than he was at leafletting. When he came back across to get some more leaflets however, he was hotly pursued by about 5 members of the public who each requested a leaflet then went back and surrounded her with a barrage of questions. Shortly afterwards she fled back across the road and into the Org, and didn't emerge again for another half an hour - after which she stuck firmly in front of the Org. Another clam successfully enturbulated - and by members of the public, no less! Perhaps she ought to redo the Comms course. Or perhaps that dratted beingness was causing an ARC break? ;-)

Three police officers eventually turned up looking bored, and after a while of having their ears bent by Sourface they wandered back across to us, and basically told us that as long as we stuck to our side of the pavement and the sound from the Boom Box didn't get any louder, we could carry on as we wished. They'd already told the clams to keep off our toes - and if they didn't like what we were saying, they should stay inside and only leave to get a sandwich or something, but any direct contact face-to-face - on either side - was a no-on. (You can just imagine how that must have gone down with the clams!) Then they strolled off after we thanked them politely and assured them the demo would be a peaceful one.

The clams resorted to filming us after this - with a video camera set up well back inside the org. We gave it a little wave anyway. They tried to drown out the Boom Box with music playing far louder (and creating far more of a breech of the peace than we had) than our patter; but the excessively loud music was having the drawback effect of driving people away from the Org and ensuring passersby may not have been able to hear us, but they also couldn't hear the scientologists either!

All in all we considered it a success and adjourned back to Xenu's Secret Lair for celebratory pintage. Many photos were taken that will go up in short order, including one of the enturbulated clam surrounded by members of the public clutching our leaflets, and a couple of shots of the e-meters that the clams put out on display later after the demo had finished (for some reason they have given up on attempting to conduct stress tests in the street whilst we're demoing...).

Happy Auditor's Day, clams!

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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
2:22 am
How irritating.It appears that when the Co$ in London bought the old Masonic temple on Queen Street, they weren't - as was initially believed - decamping there after all; the Tottenham Court Road org is still open for business. It appears the Queen St address is an expansion of Co$ activities in London. This means there are currently three functioning orgs in London at present, if you count the Celebrity Centre in Kensington.

Maybe someone ought to pay them a housewarming visit....

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Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
11:08 pm - Scientologists in "can't spell" shocker
It appears spelling is not a skill taught by Scientology - strange, given the way they bang on about their literacy programs....

Subject: Your invited this Sunday at 6:30pm
London Foundation <cofslondonfoundation@lineone.net>
Date: 22:54
To: cofslondonfoundation@lineone.net


We are doing a showing of a recent event held at St Hill in East Grinstead,
Sussex. The showing will be on Sunday, 13th February at 6:30pm here in the
Dianetics Centre, 68 Tottenham Court Rd, London.

This event highlights the scope and success of Dianetics and Scientology
during the past year, it also contains a very special 30 minute presentation
on Mr Tom Cruise, where he speaks on what it really means to be a
Scientologist. Don't miss this event.

If you can make it let us know to reserve your seat.

Much Love

Dianetics Centre London

Well, gee thanks for the warning, Maria.

current mood: amused

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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
12:01 am - Clam chowder anyone?
We can still call them clams!! And tell the story of Xenu! Yay!

Clams were enturbulated last saturday. Demo report forthcoming shortly.

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
9:56 pm - SomethingAwful this way comes!
Things have been all quiet on the Western front recently; mostly due to a house move. But fear not! Your friendly neighbourhood rogue thetan hasn't been idle; there are always more clams to enturbulate over on a.r.s., and plans are afoot!

In the meantime, a big shout-out has to go to the SomethingAwful crew in NY who successfully staged a mass invasion of the NY Org and got away with an e-meter! Well done, lads and lasses; Xenu would be proud of you!

current mood: amused

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
8:31 pm - And thus they start to try and reel me in....
From: Church of Scientology London F <cofslondonfoundation@lineone.net>
To: **********@gmail.com
Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2004 20:23:32 +0100
Subject: Dianetics

Dear ******,
we do extension courses with most of the books. I suggest the Dianetics
extension course for you. E-mail me if you would like to do this and i can
arrange to get you started.

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Sunday, August 8th, 2004
4:00 pm - Reply to Maria
Dear Maria,

As I was in the vicinity of Tottenham Court Road on Friday, I dropped
into the org on the offchance that my results had been processed. I
had a fascinating chat with one of the staffers about my results, and
about Scientology's stance concerning psychiatry.

He seemed most apologetic that due to the fact I am currently
receiving psychiatric treatment for bipolar disorder, the Church
cannot assist me at this time; however he gave me copies of
"Dianetics" and "Clear Body, Clear Mind" with the assurance that if I
followed the Purification program and the instructions in "Dianetics"
I would improve to the point where the Church could assist further,
with a view to taking another OCA test in a few months to see how I'd
improved. He said that my current test results are very typical of
someone who has received psychiatric treatment; unsurprising, given
that I have suffered from bipolar disorder for the past 17 years.

I found the staff to be very welcoming and friendly, and I look
forward to my next visit - when hoefully my OCA test results will not
look quite so dire!



Of course the results won't be so dire. Because I'll be using the Operation: Clambake Cheatsheet....

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3:57 pm - An email from the TCR org
Dear ******

I have received your personality test on line.

I would like to invite you in to the centre to get your personal evaluation
of the results. Please come in during the evening or weekend to receive

Also we have a free lecture on Tuesday at 7.30 pm. This is about the
purification program that we can run here.

Please let me know which time you will arrive.

Yours sincerely

Maria Richmond
Public Executive Secretary

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
9:33 pm - Entering enemy territory
You know, amongst the many courses Scientologists do (including ones for "beingness" and "havingness"), they seem to have forgotten to do one for memory. You'd think a girl with pink hair handing out leaflets with the other critics outside the TCR org only a month ago would stick in the memory; but that seemed to not be the case when I casually strolled into the org today.

Two clams narrowed in on me straight away with the typical Scientologist "thousand-yard stare" (you can spot them a mile off - eyes wide open, unblinking - look decidedly psychotic) and what they prsumably thought were welcoming grins. They asked if I'd come to take the personality test; I replied that I'd taken it online - at which point the younger clam scrambled off to go dig out the printouts for analysis (I gave a false name, naturally) whilst the older clam invited me to sit down for a chat.

I decided to start by telling the truth; I'd been researching Scientology online and was interested in what Scientology has to say about psychiatry. I was honest about my own past mental health issues, and watched to see how he would react to this. According to official CoS policy, they don't accept people who have a past history of psychiatric treatment - but the personality test is designed to draw in the mentally vulnerable, and a lot of people are attracted by Scientology claims of curing mental illness. I was curious to see if they would try to do the same with me.

As expected, my results were "very poor"; the clam pointed out a couple of low points on the graph as being very typical of someone who has received psychiatric treatment. He went into a little rant about the "evils of psychiatry", including Prozac and ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). He was very keen to know if I'd ever been forced into ECT and seemed quite dissappointed when I said I hadn't; he seemed positively delighted however when I mentioned that I'd tried nearly every SSRI on the market and reacted badly to all of them.

It seems he was all too mindful of CoS policy regarding mentally ill "Raw Meat" (Scientologist-speak for someone they are trying to channel into the org), because he expressed his apologies that he couldn't help me right now - but so keen was he to "help" me somehow that he gave me copies of Dianetics and Clear Body, Clear Mind absolutely free. (This is a breach of policy - giving away books is a big no-no, and if I recall correctly this means the money for the books will come out of his wages.) Apparently I need to do some sort of purification to get the "nasty psychotropic drugs" (i.e. the medication that keeps me sane and functioning) out of my system; this seems to consist of saunas and taking ridiculously big doses of specific vitamins. Dianetics supposedly contains all I need to start auditing a friend up to a level where they can then start auditing me, with the idea that I can start resolving some of the past-life experiences that supposedly cause my mental illness. (Me: "That's what you call engrams." Him: "Uh...uh, yes, yes it is....")

I then "enturbulated" him a bit by asking him how long he's been a Scientologist (answer: since 1968) and how far along the Bridge he is at present (he wouldn't answer that one, though when I pressed he did confirm he was Clear).

I made sure to maintain a strong eye contact all through the discussion, occasionally slipping in bits of jargon at opportune moments which seemed to take him by surprise - he was obviously not used to speaking to "Raw Meat" that knew about auditing, engrams and the Bridge. I carefully made no mention of Thetans however; but I felt his surprise was misplaced given that I had started the encounter by mentioning I'd been researching Scientology online. Are the rank-and-file staffers truly so ignorant as to just how much data there is on Scientology on the internet these days? (I was careful not to mention a.r.s. however....)

The entire encounter took just under an hour; at the end, both clams shook my hand and walked with me to the door, wishing me all the best and making admiring remarks about my hair whilst expressing hopes I'd be back again soon. At no time did they try to get me to sign up for any courses or buy any other books.

I wonder if they'll remember me next time I'm handing out leaflets in front of the org with the UK-ARSCC lads...?

current mood: amused

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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
9:43 pm - Third email
Dear ******,

You have to realize that through Dianetics he found that some of the things
that Psychiatrist where and still do destroy people's minds. Such things are
electro-shock, lobotomy and of that sort. L. Ron Hubbard offered to both the
AMA and the APA Dianetics, they refused and then as a result there were
attempts on L. Ron Hubbards life by these organizations.

You are also part of a small percentage of individuals who through the use of
psychotropic drugs has been able to live a normal life. One thing you don't
realize is that the Psychiatry Association has made up this "Chemical
Imbalance in the brain" - there is no evidence that they can show anyone of
this being real. Their solution is to give someone a drug to cover it up.
Most people like yourself get dependant on the drugs and move into harder
drugs. I personally seen too many friends when growing up in high school get
put onto these drugs and then all of a sudden they drop into these depressed

Dianetics gets to the bottom of what is effecting you which is called an
engram. If you read the book Dianetics - you'll understand how the mind works
and why it is people do the things they do which is not rational. People who
used Dianetics have been able to help bring Psycotics back into socitey
living a normal life. Meanwhile the psychs lock them up and sedate them.

I suggest checking out www.cchr.org.


Tiffany Dowswell
Lead Consultant
Scientology Information Center
6331 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
10:37 pm - Second email
Dear Tiffany,

I'm hoping you could perhaps answer some more specific questions for
me. I am aware that LRH spoke vociferously against the psychiatric
profession often during his life, and that there has been rivalry
between the American Psychiatric Association and the Church Of
Scientology dating from the publication of Dianetics that continues to
this day. I am hoping you could explain to me why it was that LRH
believed psychiatrists to be the embodiment of evil that his speeches
would suggest?

My curiousity is not idle; you see, I suffer from bipolar disorder
(what used to be termed manic depression), and have done so for the
past 17 years since turning 15. It has made my life a living hell at
times, but modern psychiatry has finally enabled me to live a normal,
functioning life. Whilst taking lithium and valproate, my moods are
for the most part controlled as they rebalance the imbalance of
chemicals in my brain. How, then, could this be so evil, if it enables
me to be a functioning, productive human being?

How would Scientology auditing address an imbalance of brain
chemistry? Certainly, the auditing process is very similar to
psychotherapy in that the PC confronts painful memories from the past
- I can understand how this would help me come to terms with incidents
in my past which contribute to my depression. But how would this
prevent a future mood swing - or stop a manic episode? I can see how
auditing might help someone with a mild depression or dissatisfaction
with their life, but I am hoping you could give me some detail as to
how Scientology would benefit someone with a more serious mental
illness such as myself.


current mood: curious

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9:33 pm - First email
Dear ******,

Hello and thank you very much for your request for more information on Scientology. I have dropped in an information kit below for you that is also available graphically at: http://info.whatisscientology.org.

My name is Tiffany and I am a consultant for Scientology. It is my job to give you whatever assistance you need in learning about Scientology so please feel free to email me or call direct (if in the USA) at 1-800-334-5433.

Scientology is an applied religious philosophy that is used by millions the world over. It provides people with the answers to problems and situations in their lives that plague them and stop them from achieving their goals in life. Scientology works, but don't take my word for it, find out for yourself.

We normally send a series of three information packages at intervals of two weeks. If you do not wish to receive these further information packages please let us know.

I am looking forward to hearing back from you.

Tiffany Dowswell
Scientology Information Center

PS - If you do not wish to receive further information packages, please send a blank email message to infopacks@scientology.net with your email address in the subject line. (The email address in the subject line must be the same email address where you received the information package.)

Scientology info blurbCollapse )

current mood: curious

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